goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
