Cold hands, warm shart.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
