Your face is a jimmy john
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
