On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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