is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I booty called her while she was in labor.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
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