I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
