I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
