So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
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Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
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I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
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