I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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