wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
thus making me awesome and them whores
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
