***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
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