I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Randomize
