I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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