woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
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