She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
