I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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