is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?
yes...dear jesus what did you do?
bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
