Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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