It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
