Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
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