I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
