happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
