Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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