Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
Randomize
