Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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