Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
