between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
