im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
