I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
You ruined the universe
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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