Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
