I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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