4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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