I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
