I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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