who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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