It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
