I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize
