Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
