I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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