His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Hooked up with 8 guys, puked 4 times, got a few bruises, and my face is still numb... I think this visit has truly impacted my college decision
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
