Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
