1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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