remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
