things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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