I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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