I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
