No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
