Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
