Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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