My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
