What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
being pregnant is like rehab
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
