Pregnant stripper...not hot.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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