if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
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She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
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Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
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