Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Randomize
