I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
