First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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