Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
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he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
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We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.