I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
So many bounce houses so little time
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I'm determined to sit on that face.