So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
one two three fourrrrnication!
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively