I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
