He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
